I regret waiting.

It looks like the preachers selling the purity propaganda are wrong (big surprise). There’s this fabrication within the purity culture that goes like this: if you save yourself for marriage, you will have mind-blowing sex and live happily ever after. Not so for quite a few people. Take Jessica Ciencin Henriquez’s article “My Virginity Mistake” on the Salon website. She says the opposite of the purity culture’s message – that waiting for marriage actually led to her divorce.

 

How so? She didn’t realize that she and her husband were physically incompatible. Physical and sexual incompatibility are concepts that purity propagandists scoff at, and they usually say something retarded, such as, “Intimacy is built over time” and “Just keep trusting the Lord and He will make you two close.” But this is a real issue here. You can’t just theorize problems away, or you may end up hurting people and possibly turning them from God. Ms. Henriquez is not alone in her experiences. Take Clair’s blogpost “I Regret Saving Sex For Marriage” as well. She is another one who waited for marriage and ended up divorced. There’s a pattern here of repressing your sexuality and then all of a sudden having to “be” a sexual creature on your wedding night at the flip of a switch (in this case a light switch). Take these other articles:

 

i-Village

“I regret waiting to have my first sexual experience on my wedding night because it was on my honeymoon that I first began to realize that my wife and I were sexually incompatible. If I had realized that while we were dating, I probably would have found someone else to date, court and marry. I think I would have had a much happier marriage and a much happier life. Our mismatched sex drives have been a major obstacle to happiness for half of my life.

 

Now that I am in my 40’s and have had only one sex partner in my life, I regret having had only one sex partner and not having been sexually active prior to marriage. I feel like I wasted my youth waiting and hoping for the nirvana of marital sex that never materialized. It has been the greatest disappointment of my life. In hindsight, teenage promiscuity seems like it would have been better.”

Patheos article “Christian Pastor: ‘I Have Never Met Anyone Who is Actually Happy About Having Sex Before They Were Married’” – Religious idiot Aaron Buer claims that no one who saves themselves for marriage ends up disappointed, with comments refuting him.

 

Patheos blog by Libby Anne “Courtship, Dating, and Regret

“The truth is, when two young people who have never dated before are thrown together, they have no idea what they’re doing. Yet this is the ideal of the courtship movement. The expectations are high and the experience is low. If you ask me, this is a recipe for disaster.”

Criticism of the purity culture, also by Libby Anne on Patheos

 

Articles on the purity culture on Patheos

 

Question for the reader: What has been your experience? Were you a virgin when you got married? How did this affect you?

 

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4 thoughts on “I regret waiting.

  1. I think these all miss the point. The emphasis isn’t all on sex. All the eggs aren’t in that basket. If you’ve made vows to love through thick and thin, then that means through so-called “sexual incompatibility” also. If the bedroom is the first snag you hit and you run, you’re doing marriage wrong.

    Second, I’ve never been promised great sex in exchange for waiting. I’ve been promised there will be less baggage and hangups, and you’ll be able to enjoy a purity and passion that come from exclusivity and from waiting.

    • Thank you for your reply. I agree that sex isn’t everything and things should be worked out before a couple considers separating. But I think you kinda miss the point, too. Sex is a very important part of any intimate relationship. It’s a part of human nature, as we are created sexual beings. Why do you downplay this important topic? I’ve just shown you many examples where “sexual incompatibility” has been a huge stumbling stone for some couples. This is a heavy risk factor in “cheating.” If one or both partners feels turned off towards the other person, a sexual need still exists, prompting illicit temptations. According to Love to Know, “incompatibility is often the reason people end up filing for divorce. Incompatibility can also lead to a spouse seeking interaction with a person of the opposite sex, which can lead to infidelity”. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not supporting cheating and adultery. I’m not saying that this is an excuse to go out and cheat. I firmly believe in keeping an oath, in this case to “love, honor and cherish forever.”
      Second, you may never have been promised that, but many others have. I was looking at stories and a great many testimonies from the purity culture had preachers promise that “the wait is worth it” and “just a few days of loneliness from being single and celibate, and then you will have mind-blowing sex for 60-plus years.” When someone promises something that cannot be delivered upon, that is a recipe for disaster. It also does not guarantee against there being any hangups or that there won’t be excessive baggage. Also, have you ever thought of those people that never get married? Where is there reward for waiting? Just because you wait, doesn’t mean that you’ll get all of God’s “blessings.” As far as the term purity goes, I believe it has become very distorted in today’s Churchianity. Purity is a wonderful term, but today it has to do with SEX and how you should avoid ever thinking about it…unless you’re married, and then, only having thoughts towards your spouse, in the missionary position only once or twice a month. Don’t even think about having sex with a hot guy or girl. Definitely don’t reach into your pants and learn how to pleasure your own body. How boring. Purity is much more than that.

  2. Pingback: Why Christian Men Choose Not to Get Laid Before Marriage | The Reinvention of Man

  3. Pingback: 3 SEX SOLUTIONS. | Love Dynamix

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